It's helpful to hear personal voices in addition to the statistics. Below are two accounts told by people who've experienced infertility. (The second, written by my sister, is the same one that I shared in the facts and stats post)
Story #1: Be conscious of how your words can affect others
The other day, in the grocery store, a stranger struck up a conversation with me about my son. After a few generic questions and comments about him, she asked: “is he your only one?” “yup” “are you going to have another?”
I paused. I knew she meant no harm, but this is not a question I care to discuss with strangers. I caught my breath, and decided to evade the question. “Who knows?” I said, and rushed to continue my shopping in another section of the store.
This is not the first time I have been asked this kind of a question, nor will it be the last. And this time, it just bothered me. But there was a time when this would have triggered me; when rather than being irritated, I would have been depressed; when rather than continuing shopping in another section of the store, I would have left the store without my groceries so as to avoid crying in public. In the past, I have just let exchanges like this go. But I know there are so many other people out there who are triggered by such a question. And I know this stranger isn't the only person who asks this question of others.
So, in the hopes that you will think twice before asking this question, I want to share with you some of the many reasons a person might be upset if they are asked whether or not they are going to have another child (or a child, if they do not have any).
They might have just experienced a miscarriage
They might be experiencing infertility
They might be suffering from a health condition that would make it unsafe to be pregnant
They might have just had to terminate a pregnancy (because of health reasons, or financial reasons, or mental health reasons, or a host of other reasons)
They might have had a child who recently died
They might be pregnant right now but be worried that the fetus will not survive
They might be pregnant right now and not telling anyone
They might not be able to conceive naturally and cannot afford medical intervention or adoption
They might not be able to afford health insurance and child care for another child
They might not be able to take maternity leave without severe loss of income or loss of employment
They might be seriously struggling to keep it together with just one child to care for, and do not think they would be able to survive if they had any more responsibilities (even if they look like they have everything together when they're in public)
They might have been raped and are not ready to have sex again
They may no longer be with their spouse or partner do not want or do not feel able to single-parent another child
Their spouse or partner might be sick, or living out-of-state, or deceased, and they do not want or feel able to single-parent another child
Their spouse or partner might be abusive, and they do not want to bring another child into an abusive environment
It's complicated
Any number of additional reasons, all of which are traumatic to think about
Or simply because they don't want to have another child, but would rather not talk about it
For all of these reasons, please think twice before asking someone if they are going to have a(nother) child. You never know what another person is going through. Hearing this question can be a reminder of things in one's life that are incredibly upsetting; it can cause trauma to rise to the surface; it can put people in the uncomfortable situation of lying. Simply avoiding questions like these can really make a world of a difference.
Story #2: numbers and privilege
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I've struggled all week with what to write. It still amazes me how much emotion comes bubbling back up, even now that I have my two amazing kids. The void in my heart has been filled, but infertility leaves a scar that never fades.
This year's #NIAW theme is #FlipTheScript - changing the conversation around infertility. So here are some numbers for you:
1/8: couples are affected
15: states with an insurance mandate to cover some level of infertility treatment
8: states with an insurance mandate for qualified employers to offer IVF coverage
$12,000: the average cost of a fresh IVF cycle before medication
$3000-$5000: the cost of IVF medications
And some more personal numbers:
46: months from when we started trying to conceive to when we held our babies in our arms
5: doctors we tried before we finally found one who listened to our needs and treated us responsibly and with respect
5: failed cycles on Clomid
1: failed intrauterine insemination (IUI)
3: attempts at IVF (1 cancelled due to a cyst, 1 completed but unsuccessful, and finally 1 successful)
29: eggs retrieved from my body
17: eggs that fertilized successfully
9: embryos that developed
7: embryos that remain
$1200: the amount we pay each year to keep those 7 embryos preserved and frozen until we decide if our family is complete
I'm quite aware of my privilege. I'm aware that I have children because I had the educational background that allowed me to recognize my infertility, geographic access to fertility clinics within easy traveling distance, a lifestyle that allowed me to take time off for frequent doctor's appointments, and most significantly, financial resources. I have children because I lived in a state with basic infertility coverage, because we qualified for a state aid program for our first IVF cycle and an income-based sliding scale for our second IVF cycle, and because of the generous donations from our parents and from an organization called Bonei Olam.
The ability to build a family should NOT be based on who you are, where you live, how much you make, your educational level, or the color of your skin. Infertility doesn't discriminate, but our country does, and it's time to change that. Please pay attention to local legislation. Advocate for insurance mandates to cover fertility treatment. Speak up against laws that define life as beginning at conception, which would have unfathomable consequences for couples undergoing IVF. Donate to RESOLVE.org. And most importantly, be thoughtful in your interactions with others. You never know which of your friends or acquaintances may be the 1 in 8.
Want more?? Check out two new perspectives that were sent to me by readers inspired by this post!