Why it can be so difficult to talk about infertility
(I highly recommend you read this person's story, which outlines my thoughts + firsthand experience.)
When my sister was first going through infertility treatment, I couldn't understand why she didn't tell me what was up. I'm her sister. We talk about everything. Except, maybe not...
We never talked about sex. It's weird to think about this being an issue when it comes to infertility awareness, but multiple women I've talked to mentioned this as a reason they didn't share their struggles. Sometimes it feels like sex is constantly around us in the media, in awkward jokes, in the minds of my adolescent students... but it's still very much a taboo, especially in certain circles. In religious communities, for example, sex can be very taboo. This poses a problem for people who turn to their religious community in times of trouble. Within families, as well, talking about sex can be difficult. I also think there is still gender inequality -- my male friends talk about sex unabashedly, but my female friends are more reserved. The effects of a culture that celebrates men's ability to "get some," but slut shames and encourages women to stay "virtuous," can be long lasting.
For some women, the inability to get pregnant might actually be due to problems with sex, rather than lack of conception after sex. Ten percent of women have endometriosis, which causes incredibly painful sex. This disease has, until recently, been largely un-diagnosed, and even with a diagnosis, women may not find much improvement. On top of that, many women have vulvodynia (myself included), which for some can make sex difficult, if not impossible. A disturbingly high number of women have been sexually assaulted at least once in their lifetime. Such a trauma can also make sex difficult due to anxiety, flash backs, and/or pain. It's understandable, given our stigma against women speaking about sex, as well as the contradictory cultural belief held by many that a woman unable to have sex is somehow less worthy of her relationship, would make it difficult for these women to feel comfortable speaking up.
Periods, ovulation, and female reproductive anatomy are also topics that don't make comfortable conversation. Even among friends who may be used to talking about sex, speaking about it as something stressful, painful, scary, or disappointing can kill the conversation.
Another fear I've heard was that people might see you differently. I think this fear is inherent in any difficult conversation. Whether coming out as queer, opening up about health problems, admitting you've never seen Star Wars... we are afraid that our truths will alter our relationships. The problem is that, by withholding what's really happening in our lives, we're actually building walls in our relationships.
People who do come out and share their experiences often face responses that are unhelpful at best, obnoxious at worst. After having tried everything, waiting for years, and going through self-blaming and shame, no one wants to hear "well, just relax and it'll happen!" My sister heard things like "if it's meant to be, it will be. Everything happens for a reason" and "I knew this person who couldn't have kids and then she gave up and now she's pregnant." Working up the courage to speak up, just to hear those responses, would certainly make me think twice before sharing again.
In thinking about infertility, we often focus on women. They are the ones with wombs, so we assume they are the reason for the lack of conception, and are also the most emotionally affected by lack of success. Men are just as likely as women, however, to be infertile, and grieving the future you always wanted can be just as painful for men, although I'm sure it's a different kind of pain to accept the inability to carry a fetus. These gender expectations are an important piece to consider. Men may find it even more difficult to talk about infertility than women. In my sister's words, "our societal ideas of femininity are strongly tied to fertility," so there is an added layer of inadequacy. Men, on the other hand, have a societal expectation that masculinity is being good at sex and "being able to knock people up," as my sister put it. Added to this, however, is the expectation that men don't feel/express deep emotion, that they can remain strong despite misfortune. It's also less socially acceptable for men to be dreaming of babies than women.
And finally, many people don't feel comfortable speaking about infertility simply because no one else is talking about it. We are afraid to break the silence. If we see others hiding, we will feel afraid to do otherwise. So, the best thing we can do for infertility awareness week, is to talk about infertility!** Learn about it and start conversations. Share real stories and statistics. The more commonplace we make it, the easier it will be for friends and loved ones to come to us when they are dealing with it. And odds are someone we know will need that support.
**Note: also keep in mind that these conversations can be triggering for those going through it, so be tuned into the feelings of your audience if starting conversations