When I asked spoonies about their relationships with food, many of us cited it as a strain on our social lives.
I once watched a documentary called Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. He basically cures his autoimmune issues through drinking vegetable juice instead of eating junk food. I remember watching it and deciding that this was how I was going to cure myself! This was right after I'd begun having oral, ocular, and genital ulcers and was (mis)diagnosed with Behcet's Disease, which is autoimmune. I was so excited, I immediately went out and bought my own juicer. I juiced veggies and fruits almost daily, which if you know anything about my food sensitivities, this was obviously a disaster. I made myself so sick, unable to accept that the juice wasn't helping, and was actually making me worse.
Anyway, one of the first things he mentions in the film is how difficult his social life became. Everyone met up for meals, and he would find himself sitting in his car. He was so lonely. I remember being confused -- why did it matter so much? Can't he just organize social events that don't center around food? Or couldn't he just go, but not eat anything?
My own experience, since starting this diet, has been enlightening. Any socializing around meals becomes really stressful, and it can be tough to mobilize people if it doesn't involve food. If it's at a restaurant, I have a few options: I could push to go to one of the few restaurants that can accommodate me, go wherever the group wants and then see if they can make something that'll only make me a little sick, or I can just eat beforehand at home and then sit and watch everyone eat. None of these options typically end with me feeling comfortable. And actually, the environment at most restaurants is enough to make me sick, even if the food does happen to be fresh enough, organic, and the right ingredients. I have begun to dread eating out.
Even if we're just meeting up to eat at someone's house, I have to either assert that everyone's food be boring so that I can eat, or I have to make my own meal, which typically doesn't match the timing of everyone else's meal and causes chaos in the kitchen. And even then, I have to sit and eat the foods I'm sick of while watching people eat and drink deliciousness around me.
Many of my friends are passionate about food, have worked on farms and in restaurants, and I always feel guilty asking them to work their meals around me, when I know how much good food means to them. It's also embarrassing to have to ask servers a million questions, or have them ask "why don't you just tell me what you're allergic to?" Ummmm, literally hundreds of things. Still want me to list 'em?
The reality is that food is almost always an integral part of socializing. I've come to realize that food also has a lot of power over how valued I feel. If someone makes an effort to make food they know I can eat, or choose a restaurant I can eat at, it relieves so much stress for me and makes me feel incredibly loved, like my needs are greatly valued. Even if they just ask what foods I can eat and make some effort, or ask which restaurants would work for me. In that simple moment, I feel my relationship with that person deepen. On the flip side, if someone doesn't make any effort, or makes it so I have to assert myself over and over, it starts to feel like that person doesn't actually care if I enjoy our time together, or that my needs don't matter. In reality, they're probably just forgetful or don't want to make a big deal or something. But, especially if it happens repeatedly with that person, I'll start to feel less valued and the relationship can be tarnished.
I want to end with some thoughts from a fellow chronic illness warrior. It's so spot-on and beautifully stated:
"My relationship to food has changed a lot over the years. I am diabetic and have celiac, so I have to be really careful about what I eat. To put it bluntly, it takes all the fun out of eating. I sort of hate food now. Especially eating out. Choosing a restaurant, finding something on the menu I can eat, worrying about cross-contamination and sugar content, etc. etc. I can't see food as pleasurable anymore. I only see it through the lens of sickness and getting (more) sick. So it is like an enemy. Eating gives me a lot of anxiety (something I struggle with anyway). I've gotten really self-conscious about eating out with friends. I get all apologetic because basically where we eat is determined by me and my sickness. I hate that. It puts this weird focus and pressure on me to decide all the time. And I become, yet again, the sick body, the disabled body that needs special treatment. I'm othered through food."