Why I wish it was vomit.
Some of you may be put off by my openness about some of the symptoms in this blog. Diarrhea is gross, and no one likes to talk about it. In fact, apparently females aren't supposed to talk about poop in any form. Vomiting is also gross and overall a terrible experience, yet not only are we allowed to talk about it, but people will purposefully get so drunk they puke, and then brag to friends about it. (**Side note: why are hangover poops not talked about as much as vomit?)
I have weird symptoms involving my reproductive system; my period, PMS, and ovaries are all affected. I get occasional genital ulcers, plus frequent pain and irritation. Girls aren't actually supposed to talk about their bodies though, so people get weird if I talk about any of it. And when I (incorrectly) thought I had an STI, I was too humiliated to seek medical attention until it was too late to accurately test for herpes. I will also probably struggle with infertility, but my family and friends who have experienced this have already prepped me for the shame and secrecy that goes along with it.
My diseases reek havoc on my hormones, causing bouts of depression and anxiety. But we all know that sharing mental health struggles is one of the fastest ways to be shunned by society.
And don't even get me started on foot fungus... I've had onychomycosis since I was an
infant. I have shared a shower with sisters, roommates, and partners my entire life, and not a single one of them has caught it. Yet, if I don't actively hide my toes around people, I get glares, disgusted looks, and people not-so-subtly putting socks on when in the same room as me.
Here's the deal. I don't get to choose my symptoms. I hate throwing up, but sometimes I would much rather vomit than get diarrhea, because if someone heard me in the bathroom, or I told them what was wrong, I'd be treated with sympathy rather than disgust. I have been shamed by petty middle school girls. I've been shamed by long term partners. I've been shamed by complete strangers at national conferences for my job (but seriously I hope that's not how they treat their impoverished -- and often ill -- students).
So much of my identity, self-image, and body-image is wrapped up in shame. I rarely feel the freedom to be honest about what I experience and will often bend the truth to avoid embarrassment. If I am having explosive diarrhea but also am nauseous and have a headache, I will tell people I can't hang out because I'm nauseous and have a headache. If I am shaking because of anxiety, but I also have a chill, I'll tell people I'm cold. If I'm falling asleep in a meeting but also horribly gassy, I'll tell everyone I need to go for a walk to wake up, not so that I can release a stink-bomb in the hallway.
What does this accomplish? It would actually be more helpful for my coworkers to know that it's diarrhea that's pulling me out of the classroom multiple times each morning, rather than "I need to go for a walk to settle my stomach." If my genital ulcers are making it hard to walk, telling my friends why I need them to slow down would be more helpful than just getting frustrated when I can't keep up.
Shaming certain symptoms actually matters because it adds emotional baggage to those symptoms, and makes them exponentially harder to live with -- for more on this, here's what the American Psychiatric Association has to say about stigma. It's harder to connect with the humans around you when so much of your consciousness is going towards not letting them find out what's up. It's exhausting and superficial. When I'm with family and can just announce "wow, I just had terrible diarrhea with blood in it," without judgement, I can then let out the emotions I'm feeling and move on. Plus, if there is something concerning that needs medical attention, I'm more likely to get it if I'm not too embarrassed to say anything.
Now that I have started speaking more openly (and ignoring the haters), I've discovered that many other people have the same thoughts but are too afraid to speak. I see their relief when I express myself, and eventually they join in. It has been truly beautiful. I have had friends finally get help about pain they experience during sex once they realize I won't shame them for telling me about it. I openly talk about my mental health and need for my own therapy, as well as couples therapy. I have had multiple people come to me later confessing that they are anxious but felt too stigmatized to go seek a therapist, or pull me aside in private to ask for the contact info of my couples therapist. Is this sharing of information not important? Why should we be forced to build so many walls around ourselves?
So, the next time someone toots around you, treat them as you would a sneeze :-) Don't apply shame to people's symptoms; they have enough on their plate as it is. Allow people to speak openly about their experiences without being turned off by the gross factor. A happier and healthier community will thank you for it.
