Bearing witness as a form of action
People often ask what they can do to help me. Sometimes I have an answer -- help me cook dinner when I'm too dizzy to do it; help me decide whether I can go to work today or not; assure me it's ok if I spend a social outing curled up on the couch; bring me water when I'm half-passed out on the bathroom floor; bring me a heating pad for my pain. But honestly, most of the time I have no answer. There's nothing anyone could do to make it better. It's simply something I have to get through. This seems to be the hardest answer. No one is satisfied to be told there's nothing they can do. I find two reactions -- 1. people try to fix it anyway by giving me advice like "you should try eating turmeric" OR 2. they pull away, stop asking, and leave me by myself.
The thing is, just because there's nothing specific I need you to do, does not mean I want you to go away. Having someone there to simply witness my experience, or distract me (when possible -- sometimes this just makes it worse), or show that they support me and I don't have to do it alone can make all the difference. Even when I've locked my partner out of the bathroom as I cry alone on the floor, it helps to know he's on the other side of the door, listening, loving me, and waiting for me to let him in.
I've been thinking about how to communicate this to people. As a parent, my mom has an incredibly hard time doing "nothing" -- I'm sure she feels like a failed parent when she can't take away my pain. So I searched for a way to tell her, and everyone, what it is you can do.
I've also experienced the flip side -- when I'm at work and my students are going through some indescribable trauma and I can do absolutely nothing for them. I want to fix it so badly. I'm the teacher, I should have all the answers... but when they ask for a better life and I have no way to give it to them, or even to relate, I'm left wanting to make up some sage advice or just run away and stop hearing it. Listening can be incredibly hard. I needed a way to feel productive, to know what it is I can do in that moment.
I found my answer (along with a million other answers) at the Spoonie Collective retreat. We watched this Moth story and it gave voice to what I, and my students in their moments, need: stay with me in silence. Bearing witness is a form of action.