**WARNING: not for the squeamish
I had an incredible weekend. I had the house to myself, got plenty of alone time, got tons of work done, and felt utterly at peace. The best part -- I had almost no symptoms for two days. It was blissful! I felt so good, in fact, I thought I'd do something I hadn't let myself do in awhile, go visit a good friend. I'd been wanting to visit but the hour-each-way drive made me nervous, given that driving triggers my symptoms. The bucket seemed to be empty though, so I decided now was the time.
About halfway there, I started to feel some concerning warning signs, but it seemed too late to cancel. When I arrived, I pretty quickly realized that this wasn't just going to be an evening of me feeling grumpy and fatigued; this was a full-blown, everyone run for cover, few times a year reaction. I spent most of the visit unable to sit or stand, nauseous, with agonizing pain in my gut, trying not to vomit because green liquid was coming out the other end, all the while feeling dizzy and alternating chills and hot flashes. I spent a good amount of time moaning on the floor in front of the toilet. The worst part, though, was how embarrassed I felt at having my friends see me like this, and the worry that this is the consequence I have to accept when I socialize. On the ride home, my husband voiced his concern that it becomes increasingly stressful for him to socialize if he can't know if I'll be functional. Yeah, you and me both. (Post on chronic illness's affect on marriage coming later)
So, that sucked. The good news about that kind of episode, though, is that it usually passes pretty quickly. The next day I might not feel 100%, but I usually feel good enough to have a normal day, go to work, eat, etc. For some reason, this was not the case. I woke up the next day and immediately knew that Imodium was the only way I was going to work. Even on Imodium, I was groggy, cranky, fatigued, nauseous, and starving. Not great for a job that doesn't always allow for time to myself, snack breaks, etc. I wanted to work, though, so I pushed through. By the time I got home around 1:00, I was spent. I could barely stand long enough to cook lunch. I spent a good hour curled up on the couch, shivering and starving, knowing that all I needed to feel significantly better was to stand up, turn the thermostat up, and make oatmeal. It took about an hour before I had the strength to stand up. Long story short, my day consisted of work, resting, eating, finishing my work from the couch, and going to bed. There was no room for painting, socializing, or even cooking something particularly appetizing.
Today, I woke up with a killer migraine. Again, I worked a miserable day at work, practically crawled home, and have been curled up since. I can't remember ever having an episode that lasted quite this long. What I've realized is that usually the really bad reactions happen on weekends or Jewish holidays (twice on Yom Kippur -- not sure what that signifies...) when I can take the next day to recover. So it makes me wonder, if I had taken Tuesday off from work, slept in, and used the morning to take care of myself, would I still be sick today? Could I have avoided this monstrosity of a migraine?
Here lies the dilemma -- when do I take a sick day? One of my coworkers called out sick this week with a nasty cold. To be honest, I was probably a hell of a lot sicker than him, but I chose to come in. I was not contagious, so on that account it wasn't as important for me to stay away. But if anyone else had a day like that, they would stay home and rest. How can I do that, though? If I stayed home every time I felt horrible, I wouldn't have a job. I would let down everyone on my team. On the other hand, if I come in and do a crappy job, and pass off things here or there to my coworkers because I can't handle everything, and continue this for an entire week, is that really better? Would it be better for everyone if I took one day off and came back on my game? But can I guarantee that I won't come back still feeling bad? Of course not.
I think what I'm learning is that I need to take care of myself for everyone's sake. Maybe that meant not trying to finish my work once I got home each afternoon. Maybe that meant taking a morning or even a whole day off. This dragging out of symptoms wears on me and my team, and makes me seem less effective when I am in. The crushing psychological effect of waking up day after day without improvement also needs to be taken into account.
Not all days are equal, though, and I definitely need to keep working on figuring out when I can push through and when I can't. Or rather, I always CAN push through. I guess that's the problem -- by this point in my life I'm really ridiculously tough. I can push through pretty much anything. In fact, I've noticed that no matter how bad the symptoms are (as long as I can remain standing), I can convince myself and others that I'm perfectly fine to stay at work. For one day -- each day that I have to keep pushing through it, I lose some resolve, until I realize I just don't want to anymore. It's not so much the severity of symptoms that convince me I should take a sick day, but the number of days I've had to persist through.
So no, it's not an issue of whether or not I can push through the day. I need to pay more attention to whether or not I should push through. Will it actually improve my health significantly to take some time for myself? Will it be better for my students and my coworkers for me to take a few hours and come back refreshed? These are the questions that I need to get better at answering.
For more thoughts related to this, here's a post about my fear of not being able to work, and here's one about the balance between health and wellness.
UPDATE: After four days of feeling terrible, I seem to be on the up swing! This morning I woke up with a migraine, again, and thought it was going to be another terrible day. But after a walk outside in the cold, fresh air, I felt much better! I had a tough day at work (emotionally taxing, anyway) but was able to get through it without too much physical pain. I did have diarrhea multiple times, still have a migraine, and a few other symptoms, but I am at least still upright and feel much less depressed.
As it turned out... I was getting a cold! I have a sore throat and not much voice today, and have been blowing my nose a bit. Three of my coworkers (and many students) all have a cold as well. This came as a huge relief -- I felt lost, not knowing why I had gotten so sick this week. It makes sense, though, that I was fighting a cold. Or rather, my white blood cells, you know, the cells that are over active in Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, were fighting a cold. So yeah, it makes total sense that they'd be going crazy, wreaking havoc, and requiring insane amounts of sleep to heal. I've spoken to three other people who also have bizarre inflammatory diseases who got either colds or the flu this week, and ended up pretty incapacitated due to the virus triggering their chronic issues.
On top of the cold, I'm sure the long car ride didn't help on Monday, some stress at work didn't help on Tuesday, and to be honest there were some strong emotions yesterday that I avoided. These things must have compounded with the original problem, creating another perfect storm.
I'm looking forward to not having a headache, or full-body twitches, or neck pain, or being able to keep any food in, but I feel so much better just knowing there's a reason for this week's misery :-)
I suppose that's my takeaway here -- if you're like me and you have a week like this when everything feels terrible and you're ready to just give up, try to remember that there probably is a reason, it won't last forever, and you will get through it! I now just feel SO grateful for the people and small comforts that made this week bearable. So thanks to everyone who covered for me at work, who listened to me complain, or who did my dishes and brought me food! It makes a world of difference.