Happy December everyone!
As I mentioned previously, November sucks. But a friend challenged me to turn it into a month of gratitude, and I'm so glad she did! Despite losing my beloved job and facing some intense challenges at work, it turned out to be the best November I've had in years. Here's my written journey, from November 1-30 this year:
November has historically been a pretty bad month for me. All three of the painful breakups I’ve experienced in life were in November. I lost a friend to suicide in November. I was sexually assaulted in November.
Physical symptoms have also been a challenge. My first visit to the ER was in November. Every year my POTS, fatigue, and mast cell symptoms flare. The tachycardia, fatigue, and hormonal dysfunction make it tough to not feel anxious and depressed. My joints feel more swollen and sore. It’s a rough time overall. It takes everything I’ve got to just make it to work on time in the morning and last until the end of the day without falling apart.
So, leading up to this week, I found myself digging in, bracing myself for the worst. It’s hard to not see this as a self-fulfilling prophecy…
But here’s an opportunity to offset this cycle! Instead of fearing what’s to come, I’m going to focus on the small blessings of each day! Hopefully it will act as a light through this dark, grey month.
November 1 -- Two of my students presented their final projects! I’m grateful for their persistence and resilience through immense life challenges. I’m grateful for the support of their classmates as well as the friends and community members who showed up to be with them! I am also grateful for my community at my second job -- the Mansfield Cooperative School! I arrived this afternoon at the end of my rope, and both staff and students were patient and kind. I felt revived, rather than depleted, by the end of the day!
November 2 -- I am so eternally grateful for Dr. Anne Maitland! She treated me with compassion, understanding, and a fun intellectual curiosity. She gave me a new tool and I was able to take a full breath, for what felt like the first time in my life!! I’ve never felt such an open feeling in my chest. I immediately cried and thanked her profusely. I am grateful for my mom driving with me and being the best advocate.
November 3 -- I am grateful for music and solidarity in the Jewish community. I am grateful for friends who are willing to make their Halloween parties Ari-able!
November 4 -- Some days are just plain tough. But you know how it takes a cold day to make you feel cozy and warm? Today I appreciate how good it feels to lay down and do nothing with my eyes closed. I also am proud of myself for pushing through and getting some housework done (albeit not as much as I’d hoped). And I’m so grateful to my new(ish) couch for being an ideal place to crash.
November 5 -- I feel thankful for my wonderful coworkers who work tirelessly every day to support one another, push themselves to improve our cultural competency, and make a positive environment for our students.
November 6 -- today I voted and watched The Hate U Give with some of my students. I am so grateful for my state having easy polls with no lines and same-day voter registration. I am also thankful for the plethora of movies this year that have been created to start conversations about race and inequality. This movie moved me in powerful ways and expressed so many different angles of the violence black people endure in America. I came home and cried, but felt empowered and refreshed afterwards.
November 7 -- Today, I got laid off. I’ve worked at this job since grad school, more than four years. I love it dearly, despite how brutally exhausting it can be. The Vermont Agency of Education cut my position, so my bosses had no choice. And somehow I feel so lucky! I’ve been feeling the need to take some time off, but felt too in love with my job and too guilty to leave. This way, they made the decision for me! They'll try to set me up with another potential job if I want it, and if I don’t, I can take some time for myself before the next school year.
November 8 -- I feel grateful for being able to sleep in! And for having friends close by to talk to when I need it. And I’m thankful for string cheese!
November 9 -- Today I am grateful for Shabbat! My mom cooked fish that is actually fresh enough for me to eat, and baked challah with duck eggs. I’m thankful for the care she gives me and for my dad’s excitement over editing his photos of the neighborhood fox.
November 10 -- thank goodness for the rare days in which I have nothing planned!
November 11 -- I’m taking an art history course and spent a few hours on a homework assignment. While I am exhausted and burnt out, I appreciate my brain for being able to focus for so long (albeit not 100% by the end), and my classmates for posting such awesome resources!
November 12 -- Today was Veterans Day. At YouthBuild, we do a day of service. We got to harvest, weigh, and package veggies for an amazing program that provides produce at doctors’ offices, so that patients can be “prescribed” free shares of nutritious food. Not only was the work fun, but I got to be outdoors with my amazing students, and there were kittens! One of them loved to sit on my shoulder, snuggle my cheek, and purr in my ear. It doesn’t get much better than that.
November 13 -- I am thankful for having the energy to spend quality time with my partner in a beautiful place.
November 14 -- Today I am so thankful for my beautiful students who introduced me to great music and then peer led discussions for more than two hours about the content and literary devices used in each song. What a blast! When I got violently ill and had to leave an hour early, they were kind, understanding, and didn’t make it awkward.
November 15 -- I am SO THANKFUL for my incredible PT. I was running late from work, and so got to her 15 mins late; she welcomed me in without judgement, and then tuned me up, gave a little massage, and stayed with me until her next patient arrived. She celebrates all of the little things, like today was the first time that my SIJ wasn’t out of place! She gently moved multiple vertebrae back into place and reset my shoulder, which had been out for two weeks -- all without cracking or popping anything.
November 16 -- Today I am grateful for myself and the supports that have empowered me. I woke up with pretty bad POTS. In fairness, it was my own fault for not drinking enough water before bed, drinking a smoothie with breakfast, and not having enough salt until the afternoon. Regardless of reasons, I slipped further and further into the POTS cycle as the day progressed. But I didn’t give up! I tried everything I could think of -- I drank so much water, pounded salt sticks, put gross amounts of salt in my eggs and potato lunch. Then I exercised, laid down when needed, and kept moving every time I had to be standing. I’d pace, bounce, jiggle, whatever, just to keep the headache and rushing sounds in my ears at bay. I turned off lights and closed shades. I turned the heat down in my apartment. I put on double compression gear -- knee-highs OVER leggings -- to keep my feet from swelling into sausages. I ate small meals and snacked with protein rather than carbs. And when I felt it sneaking back in, I went outside for a gorgeous walk in this winter’s first good snow. The cold fresh air cleared my head, and the movement kept my blood flowing to my brain. Everytime I slowed down, it started to come back. I had to channel Madeye Moody’s “constant vigilance.” It’s exhausting, and not something I could keep up daily, but I’m so proud of myself. I beat POTS at its own game. It feels amazing to know I could do it. I did everything I could before bed to make sure tomorrow will be a better day.
November 17 -- Today we had a large family gathering. I didn’t want to impose, so I figured I’d just bring snacks and not ask them to cook for me. Instead, they helped me make my own soup, and then made separate dessert for me. It’s amazing how loved and valued I feel when someone puts in any effort to help me eat and feel included :-)
November 18 -- I’m grateful for the days that end with me having accomplished everything I needed to. Sure, there’s more I would have liked to get done today, but I feel content knowing that I’m ready for Monday, with no outlying work to catch up on!
November 19 -- I had energy today! I stayed up until midnight baking (and eating) cookies, and didn’t feel terrible :-)
November 20 -- Today was YouthBuild’s 10th annual Thanksgiving dinner! We get tons of donated food from farms and stores. Staff (and a few helpful students) cook the meal and then we invite students, alumni, families, and community partners to feast with us. It’s one of my favorite things about my job. This being my last Thanksgiving with YB, I’m sad, but also so grateful for the support, love, food, and sense of family that we’ve built together.
November 21 -- I felt the need to get outside and to get some exercise. So, I went over to my parents’ and stacked their wood pile. I am thankful, as always, for having my parents so close and retaining such a close relationship with them. I’m also thankful for lifestyle fitness.
November 22 -- Thanksgiving Day, and my first ever Friendsgiving. I’m thankful for friends who are willing/able to cook Ari-friendly feasts with me, and for great company, both friends and family.
November 23 -- After a week of heavy socializing, it felt so nice to get outside by myself and check out some local art galleries! I am thankful for being an introvert and the joy that solitude brings me.
November 24 -- It’s been tough this week, hearing about friends of mine who’ve spent a good portion of this week in the hospital. I feel a weird survivor’s guilt for having had such wonderful success in this year’s Thanksgiving festivities, when they’ve had such terrible reactions. I’m working to cut through the unnecessary/unhelpful guilt, however, and feel immensely grateful for the ways in which my body continues to pull through for me, despite the plentiful roadblocks. I also feel grateful for having friends who bring me hope and positivity even when they are struggling so hard.
November 25 -- Today I nebulized Cromolyn and Albuterol before going to a family function (my in-laws) with a WOOD STOVE. For the first time in years, I was able to hang out with dozens of people, play with absurdly energetic kids, and sit by the wood stove UNSCATHED. I can’t express the joy that this brought me. I felt like the version of myself that entered this loving family more than six years ago, without being tainted by crippling migraines, fatigue, and GI pain. I will remember this one for a long time ♡
November 26 -- Today I feel grateful for everyone who’s ever taken the time to help me prepare for job interviews! I felt their support behind me as I nailed my first interview in years. Also, I walked to and from the interview, almost an hour round trip. I am so thankful that my hips have healed enough to be able to make a trip like that, and for the solace that comes with walking alone in winter.
November 27 -- I am thankful for friends who don’t judge and a partner who pushes me to do my best, but loves me even when I fail. Today I got an aura at target that obstructed half of my vision. Earlier I had a POTS headache that caused me to see double. It’s scary to know that I can’t drive like that, and thankfully my partner was with me and could drive us home. I’m thankful for my ability to recognize what I needed and indulge in self-care -- by the end of the night I was virtually symptom-free! A year ago, I don’t think I could have accomplished that.
November 28 -- I am so proud today. I got up early to nebulize some Cromolyn while listening to a morning affirmation meditation so that I’d be my best at work. Today was the day I told my students that I have to leave after this semester. I managed to make it through without too much flushing. They took it pretty hard, but were amazing and sweet and told me they’d write to the state legislature to fight for me. Maybe those civics lessons had more of an impact than I thought :-) I feel proud of them for the growth I’ve seen, but also I’m proud of myself. I feel clear-headed and so competent today. I am capable of so many things. Days like today when my brain, gut, and joints don’t get in the way, I really feel the strength of who I am and what I can accomplish.
November 29 -- I am thankful for silliness, of all things! Today I asked my middle schoolers to write and illustrate mini stories with their classmates, simply as an intro to the lesson. They got so into it, I had to scrap the lesson and let them continue for almost two hours! I have never heard so much plotting and giggling in a classroom. The results were ridiculous and weird and silly, but so creative.
November 30 -- On this, the last day of this awful month, I feel hopeful, but also proud of how I’ve handled this mess of a month. I actually struggled a lot today with bad tachycardia (not sure how much was stress and how much was POTS). My final for my online class, due today, took many more hours than anticipated. A fight with my partner led me to question aspects of myself and my relationships. I have piles of work left to do, for a job that I will have to leave in a month. It all feels very hard, but still so much better than previous Novembers. I have more control of my symptoms and a better outlook on the various difficulties. I pushed myself to be productive, despite how I felt, but also took breaks. I first let myself be vulnerable and unashamedly ugly-cry to two of my friends to work through my thoughts. Then more work, followed by a lovely distracting dinner with two other friends. I ended my night by cleaning. It felt so good that I kept going until after midnight, when my gut informed me that I either needed to sleep stat or spend the next hour in pain in the bathroom, so I popped some Benadryl and fell into glorious sleep, feeling accomplished and fresh.
Somehow this last night of the month feels like a representation of the moment I am in. It’s hard. I’m overwhelmed. I don’t feel well. My relationships and self-view suffer as a result. But I can get the work done. I can be vulnerable. I can repair relationships and remind myself why I love me. I can connect with those who love me back. And I can clean up the messes I make, to start fresh.
I’m ready for November to be over. I’m ready to rock this last month in my amazing job. But really I’m ready to start a new year, fresh, with a new job (or not), new goals, and a new view of myself. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this ready for a change. Let’s do this.