How guilt has become an integral part of social meals
It’s the holiday season. Festive meals are everywhere. We had a family gathering last week, a Thanksgiving dinner with work tonight, two Thanksgiving dinners on Thursday, one the following week, Chanukkah dinners a couple of weeks later, then multiple family meals around Christmas and New Years… It’s a lot.
As an introvert, it can be a lot to just handle that many people in such a concentrated time. As a food intolerant, it gets pretty tricky. Luckily, Thanksgiving food suits me pretty well! I can eat turkey, potatoes, some squash, peas, etc. Everyone gets food comas after the meal, so no one thinks twice if I have to put my feet up! Chanukah’s staple, latkes, can easily be made from potatoes, olive oil, and duck eggs. Heck, I can even eat the customary apple sauce topping! This season should be a breeze for me!
Unfortunately, it’s just as easy to make these meals not work for me. Turkey seasoning? Yikes. Onions and garlic? I’ll see ya in the bathroom. Nutmeg? Cloves? Cinnamon? Just the smell can give me a migraine. So, while it’s super easy to make this time just as joyful for me as anyone else, it’s not uncomplicated. The result is an unfortunate amount of stress and guilt.
Say I’m going to your house for a festive dinner. I’ve tried communicating ahead of time to see if the host will cook foods that work for me. Maybe they don’t put garlic in the potatoes, or just put a little aside for me before adding seasonings. Well, in this case, the host usually ends up forgetting something, or I forget to mention that food can’t sit out too long, or they didn’t realize that nutmeg was actually a spice. Even if it’s just a tiny mixup, the host always ends up feeling really bad, so then I end up feeling guilty for asking them to change their routine AND for making them feel bad about messing it up… and I can’t eat without risking feeling sick.
I’ve tried just letting the host know that I’ll be bringing my own ingredients to prepare (I can’t prepare ahead of time). In this case, I spend half the quality social time cooking, getting in the host’s way as they try to cook, and then everyone makes comments, noises, or faces during the meal, so I feel that awkward tension between not wanting to act/feel different, but also needing to acknowledge what everyone’s already thinking.
I could also just go to the party and not eat. Sometimes that’s what’s best for me -- eat beforehand and just hang out. Even in that case, people tend to get all awkward, apologizing or avoiding me, and I somehow end up feeling guilty for not eating their food.
At our annual work party tonight, I decided to assert myself and ask that people consider my needs when cooking. Last year they came close -- the potatoes had been slightly altered to fit my needs, but then ruined with pepper. They set aside cooked carrots for me, cooked in just oil and salt, which was so sweet, except that I can’t eat carrots. So I was specific in my instructions this year, but feel guilty having even asked. I feel like a burden to the whole team, even though the indignant part of me doesn’t think it should actually be that hard.
A few of these festive meals will be out at restaurants. I called ahead to one of the restaurants and spoke to the chef. Not a single thing on the menu can be made without seasoning, garlic, etc. So, I can go and not eat, which will make everyone else feel weird and guilty to be eating around me. Or, I could go and eat anyway, take a Benadryl, and likely feel sick after, which will make everyone feel guilty anyway. Even the chef I spoke with felt horribly guilty and kept repeating “but, you understand, right?” Yes, I understand. But it still sucks.
The thing is, I forget how hard it is to cook for me, because I don’t find it difficult. I have no trouble making delicious, creamy mashed potatoes, turkey, or even a dessert. I made killer GF low-histamine oatmeal cookies last night. I have duck eggs to bake with, so I forget that no one else can make me desserts. It’s just so hard to assert myself, to get the things I need, without asking others to change their whole routine, and I feel terrible asking for that every time. But the alternative is that I don’t enjoy any gatherings, and that feels terrible too.