How to choose which topics I'm comfortable going public with (or not)
Hi world! Sometimes it feels exciting to be reaching so many people. And in a way, it makes me less afraid to share personal, difficult, info. When performing, I much prefer a large audience to a small, intimate group -- I can lose myself in a group rather than seeing individual faces. Sometimes it feels extra weird, though, to be sharing about my fears (and bowel movements) with people I barely know. Worse, what about the people I know well, but would never choose to have these conversations with in person? I want it to reach them too, but can't help feeling icky just thinking about it.
So, I've struggled with what topics to hide from my blog. In general, I believe in being an open book. One of my highest priorities with this blog is to fight shame and stigma, to give voice to topics that we are afraid to share -- not just for me, but also to inspire others to do the same. And it has been so successful! I've had texts, emails, and messages from people who have been empowered to share this blog with loved ones as a way to open up their own conversations about depression, diabetes, cancer, friendship, etc. I've been thanked by people who finally got up the guts to ask their chronically ill friends about their experience, or to admit that they are not always the most supportive friend and they're sorry.
I cannot express the gratitude I feel for people who have shared these stories with me! That's what this is all about!
But then I am still just a person who feels shame deeply. So how do I balance my own need for privacy with my drive for public honesty and dialogue? In my series of posts about infertility this week, I wrote about periods, sex, birth control, a fear of infertility that I hid for years... these are not topics I've ever been comfortable talking about, having not grown up in a very sex-positive environment. I felt empowered while writing it. It felt good. And then I went to hit the "publish" button and freaked out for a second.
I think about this a lot when scanning my list of potential topics to write about, or scanning my journal for good material. I would love to write more about sex and all its complexities -- consent, rape culture and assault, physical complications, pain, power dynamics, sexism, etc. Again, as someone who was not taught that it's ok to talk about sex, this feels really uncomfortable. As someone who has had really complicated experiences, it would be an act of coming out in many ways. Does that mean I should avoid such important topics? Especially when I know how many other people are constricted by this silence? I would love to write about sexual orientation, but can't seem to get over the fear and shame that have kept me silent for so long; I keep picturing the few people in my life who I know would react poorly, and somehow that's strangling me. I felt constricted at first when writing about mental health, and specifically my therapy history, but am so glad I was able to overcome it. Does that mean I'd feel equally freed by talking about the rest? Or would I then have exposed myself to coworkers, future employers, estranged acquaintances, students, and have to really come to terms with my own vulnerability? So many of the topics I've written about already (whether I've posted them publicly or not), I've had to face the fear that this may cause someone to see me differently. But if they're seeing me more clearly, is that a bad thing? I'm still not sure.
You might be thinking, "dude, you wrote about explosive diarrhea, how much dignity are you still clinging to?" And you'd be right. I don't know why some shame is easier to let go of. But it is, and I think it's a challenge I'm going to continue wrestling with for the duration of my experience in writing.