The danger of resolutions entrenched in shame, rather than genuine self-improvement
The end of January is drawing near. Some resolutions probably died after day one; some may still be hanging on. For many, this time of year somehow turns into feelings of inadequacy, rather than self-improvement. I try to use it as a time to take stock of what I have learned about myself in the last year, and to communicate my goals to people around me.
This year, I noticed that I have improved quite a bit at being self-sufficient. A year ago, I found myself becoming quite needy at times. I'd need my husband to spend more time with me, despite the fact that part of what we love about each other is our mutual need for solitude. I'd need my parents to chip in time and support more often. I needed my coworkers to take on a little more of my emotional load. I think I decided that, because I was so sick, it was ok if I could no longer take care of myself the way I once did. While there is value in acknowledging (like Anne Hathoway in Love and Other Drugs) that I will at times need others more than they need me, a lot of these moments were actually me sinking into my fear, pain, and sadness, and letting it take over. What I really needed was NOT extra time and energy from others, but rather more fulfilling alone time! I'm not sure how conscious this shift was at first, but I quickly realized how much happier I was when I forced myself into scheduled sessions of fun-yet-productive alone time, whether painting, singing, dancing, reading, or whatever. My husband looked surprised every time he offered to spend time together and I'd brush him off saying I was actually enjoying some me time, if that's cool with him.
As for working on improvements, I've recently tried assuming best intentions (I need a redo on this one), being more conscious of using language that is inclusive of others, learning more about oppression/privilege/inequality, listening to my body more, etc. I try to look for small changes in a positive direction, rather than a huge transition.
My only rule for resolutions: no body image crap.
I want my resolutions to be something that I can think about over and over to bring a boost of positivity. The more I think about my body, though, the worse it feels and the less healthy my habits become. So many people, especially women, use New Years to motivate themselves to start that diet they keep talking about, or to start a new exercise regimen. While this isn't inherently bad, it can often have unhealthy manifestations, especially if the resolution was created out of a place of shame or body image issues, rather than a desire for improved health. And let's face it, our society has done such a thorough job of implanting body image issues into women, that it's rarely just about the health benefits.
I will post more later about my own experience with body image and unhealthy relationships with diets and eating in general. For this post, however, I want to share stories that two of my friends bravely posted. They speak for themselves quite beautifully, so I'll try to do something out of character today and keep my own commentary brief!
Adhering to diets when we already have food obsessions just gives us a framework to fuel our need for control and perfection. This next story is from someone who does fitness posts on Instagram. She is typically pretty transparent about her process in finding the right image, in sculpting her body to meet her aesthetic goals while also staying healthy, etc. She recently had a baby and has been just as transparent about her discomfort with her postpartum body and her need to accept it. I especially appreciate her second post -- shameless bathroom selfies "embracing the squishy."
So, Happy New Year, and may your resolutions bring you happiness!