We wanted to go for a hike today. I LOVE hikes, and they are currently the only way for me to get any cardio. I can move slowly, being careful about my joints, and get my heart rate up enough that I don't get too dizzy (although I also stop from time to bend over and let some blood back into my brain). It even tightens up my hips somehow, so that it's easier to walk for a few days after! It's all around a great activity for me.
Unfortunately, lately I get sick when I try to hike. So, we were strategic in our hiking plans today. We did an easy trail in the shade with no summit, so we would feel comfortable turning around whenever needed. We brought tons of food, water, hats, strategic clothing layers, etc.
But then we felt too safe, and our defenses began to slip. I ate lunch too soon before we left, and then had to rush it. I decided to be a passenger for once, rather than driver. Within two or three minutes I could feel the flushing and malaise beginning. We then sat in the car for awhile, in the 90 degree weather and bright sun, waiting for our hiking partners to arrive. By the time we started, I was pretty POTSy, woozy, foggy, and my feet were swollen. Once we got going, I felt my heart rate spike, but figured that was from how steep the first leg of the trip is. Then the abdominal pain and waves of crushing fatigue started but I thought, maybe it'll just pass if I sit for a while. By the time the nausea hit, I knew what was coming, but there wasn't enough time left to prepare.
So I got quite sick. In the woods. With people around. Miles from home.
And the thing is, I know in a month from now when my nutritionist and I are reading through my health log, we'll see the millions of triggers and think, "oh god, what were you thinking?? Of course you got sick!"
But that's not how it feels in the moment. Today, here and now, it feels like I just want to live my life. I want to be able to go for a short, easy hike with family. I want to be able to drive 20 minutes without getting sick. I want to enjoy sunshine and beautiful walking trails. Most of all, I don't want to have to cancel plans last-minute because of my mast cells. I don't want others to feel on-edge around me, just because I've gotten sick the last few times they saw me. I don't want people to have to ask "are you sure?" when I say I want to do something fun.
It feels so terrible to know that I made plans with three other people today, and then ruined it for all of us. I hate knowing that they all drove to be there, packed the night before, and then had to go home before it got good. The worst part is when they all look at me and ask what I think we should do -- can I keep going, or do I need to stop? I knew I needed to stop well before I finally made the call, because I wanted to try, just in case it was one of the 10% of times when the warning signs are false.
No one made me feel bad. No one made me feel ashamed for spewing in the woods. Everyone was supportive. Everyone asked what they could do to help and what I wanted to do about it. They were perfect. I just wish that I didn't feel like a burden.