What a great day! I'm on cloud nine, floating around the house with a big grin on my face.
I've just broken a week-long streak of feeling crappy.
I had a staff meeting last Thursday. Like usual, I started to feel icky around 1:00. I felt fatigued, foggy, floppy, hangry (read: hypoglycemic), and started getting a bit light-sensitive which warns of a coming migraine. I needed to lie down in a dark room with no noise or human interaction. But I was stuck at work, talking about implicit bias and how to address students when they say offensive or bigoted things -- super important topic, but not great when you're needing to relax.
I had spent all week preparing myself for this meeting, hoping to make this one work. I brought extra food, sunglasses, extra water, and even a comfortable chair to lean back in. It wasn't long, however, before the fatigue continued to get worse, my hips, knees, and low back were aching so horribly I couldn't sit any longer, and my spine began to burn in a way I still don't know how to describe in words -- this is the warning sign I've learned to pay the most attention to. If my spine burns, I need to rest ASAP, or there will be lasting consequences. Instead, I stuck it out. I started twitching, a weird feeling of instability starting at the base of my skull and shooting like electricity down my neck, back, and arms. I used to hide these twitches, but have found that holding them in causes more symptoms. So, I've learned to get used to the awkward stares and just own it. Then my speech started slurring a bit and it became harder and harder to follow the content of the meeting or to put my words in order enough to participate.
I am glad I stuck through that meeting. It's important for me to spend time with my coworkers once month, and I needed to know I could do it, even on an iffy day. But the result was that I needed a day or two to recover, and that was not going to happen. I had a packed week, including a hugely social weekend -- a rarity in my life. I'm proud of myself for making it through everything without bailing. I, instead, set boundaries and made accommodations. I went to a house warming party for friends who wonderfully ensured there'd be food I could eat, under the agreement that they would have the spare bedroom ready for me. After an hour or two, I crashed, as expected. But no one batted an eye as I said goodnight (in the middle of the day) and spent the next three hours in a painful, nightmare-ridden, sleep in the guest room. At a low-key game night, I decided it was time for bed when my hand spasmed, pouring an entire jar of water on top of the game (I swear it had nothing to do with the fact that we were losing horribly!).
So, it went a lot better than it could have, and I'm glad I got to have fun! I had thought a few months ago that fun-packed time with friends wasn't an option for my life anymore. Yet here I am.
This week at work wasn't easy, and I came home every day exhausted, but determined to get my work done before crashing for the night. I mostly accomplished this. It was tough, given the fatigue, weird GI symptoms, nausea, constant pain, etc. I tried to find a balance between getting things done but also meeting my needs. I let myself sleep a ton. Yesterday included a couple of accidental naps before I finally gave up and decided to go to bed around 8:00.
But this morning, something was different. I didn't have cramps, or bloating, or even diarrhea. I wasn't light-sensitive. I woke up ten minutes before my alarm and had no trouble getting out of bed. At work, I was faced with quite a stressful morning, student meltdowns, conflict, and tough decisions, but I was able to handle it! It felt like no big deal, compared to other days when choosing which stapler to use felt exhausting. I got to come home for good around noon, and ate without having to rush or go anywhere. The best part, was that I got so much done. I hung out with my husband, exercised, biked, cooked and ate multiple meals, cleaned, organized the fridge (and threw away smelly gross foods without getting triggered), and painted some birds! I also made a list for tomorrow and had an accidental nap for two hours in a chair (waking up with several joints hyperextending or subluxing wasn't great, but I felt refreshed). All of this happened in the eight hours between work and bed.
It has been so long since I had energy and cognitive functioning enough to be that productive. My self-esteem is sky high right now! I feel like I can do anything! And I'm still functional enough, right now, to be typing this in bed.
It feels amazing to be (almost) symptom-free tonight. I feel happy, healthy, and capable. I feel rested. I feel independent. Yet there's also a weird bitter-sweetness to it: I remember what it's like to feel normal. This is what I used to be capable of every night, if not more. I feel a tint of sadness knowing that this is temporary, and no longer who I am on a daily basis.
It's important to me to name these feelings, to acknowledge the full range and give myself compassion for that speck of sadness. This doesn't mean I can't fully revel in the good, however, and I am going to bed tonight feeling full, proud, and peaceful. Whatever tomorrow may feel like, I am so grateful that I was able to have today.