Second-guessing my own body's need for rest
It's becoming very familiar -- I went to work, grabbed lunch with a friend, and by 2:00 felt the fatigue slithering in. Usually I fight it. I splash water on my face, exercise to get the blood flowing, maybe watch a few minutes of the office to get me laughing... and then plow back into work.
And then crash way harder the next day.
I'm trying to take better care of myself. I'm trying to listen to my body's needs and do what it asks. I knew going into this week that a) I had too much fun/socializing planned and would likely need more rest than usual and b) I had a weird week at work in which I have a bit less to do than usual and so can afford to take time to rest. I also knew that I have a pretty hefty work week starting Monday, and will need to be in really good shape to make it through. So, I made a pact with myself to take it easy whenever possible.
The problem is, when I'm actually faced with the moment-to-moment truths of my body, I'm really bad at following my own rules. Sometimes it's because I really need to get work done and therefor pretend everything's fine in order to not have to stop working. Sometimes it's because I really need some time with friends and don't want to miss out. Usually it's because there's a cool art project I'm in the middle of and I don't want to lose precious free time to work on it.
Today it was a combo of work and art, but also a greater looming issue -- I'm afraid that it's all a ruse. What if my body is actually fine but, for some reason, my mind is tricking me into thinking I need time off? What if I'm making it up, I'm really not "sick," and all of those doctors who told me it was all in my head or "just depression" or something are actually right? I'm not super excited about the work I'm supposed to do tonight or tomorrow. Maybe this is just some way of excusing myself to procrastinate (which I never do)? Or maybe I'm afraid that if I paint again, it'll re-injure my back and neck? I haven't painted for a few days, since a bad incident which left me in enough pain that I was almost unable to work or sleep. I'm probably just lazy or avoiding responsibility or depressed and therefor finding no motivation to do the things I love....
Or the simple solution, that I have a disease known to cause extreme fatigue and I pushed myself extra this week to socialize and partake in multiple histamine-triggering meals out?
It's times like these when I really think I'm crazy. I mean, who goes in circles like this over a simple nap?? And I immediately fell asleep, not waking up for three hours. If I was really making it up, would that have happened? Wouldn't I have felt groggier, rather than more refreshed, when I got up? Only a really crazy person would spiral like this, right?
Luckily, I've now met enough spoonies to know how common this line of thinking is. We've been told so many times by so many people that we're lazy, procrastinating, avoiding, depressed, crazy, anxious... that no matter how much we know what our body needs, it's difficult to rewrite the voices that have implanted themselves in us.
But here's what I really do know about myself -- I have never been lazy. I love my work, I love a good challenge, and I love to paint. I have always been passionate and motivated, have never been a procrastinator. If I'm not getting something done, it's because I genuinely need a break. And if the voices in my head have an issue with that, fine. Now that I'm more awake, I'll just drown them out with some sweet film scores and hard work.