I wrote last year that I don't do typical New Years resolutions, but rather use it as a chance to reflect on who I've been and who I'd like to be.
Well, this year is somewhat of an anomaly. As previously mentioned, I lost my job. The short version is that my position was cut by people who've never seen me teach or seen the results we all see in our students. So I left without the awkwardness of being fired or quitting. I love all of them and they love me, but it was time to go. This was a unique moment, to leave a job I've loved so much while being showered with love and appreciation. I will remember it for a very long time, and it helped me to begin reflecting before December ended. I had very explicit evidence of what about me is wonderful and time to think about what "flaws" I'd like to work on before my next job.
I started grad school literally a day after my college graduation. In fact, I started my graduate courses while still an undergrad so that I could accelerate the process. I spent eight-hour days in the Worcester public school where I completed my nine months of student teaching. On top of this, I took a full load of courses. It was the most exhausting (and physically taxing) year of my life. After that graduation, I figured I'd come back home to VT, spend a few months recuperating and applying for jobs, and then start work in August. I ended up getting my YouthBuild job that June, and found out after the interview that they are a year-round school and I was expected to start as soon as possible. So, that July, I jumped right into the job that I have worked at until this week.
Long story short, I have not had much of a break. And I am someone who really needs breaks to reset. It's not coincidence that my symptoms, which were slowly increasing through high school and college, took a sharp turn for the worse in grad school, and then continued to plummet ever since. Sure, the new symptoms I developed each year were what ultimately led to my diagnosis, but each doctor who told me to take it easy for awhile met their match -- I loved my job too much to leave it, despite knowing what the sometimes crazy hours and emotional stress were doing to my health.
I'm very excited to finally take some time for myself! I was flooded with relief when I was fired, and have been growing more excited each day. My first official day of unemployment is today, 1/1/19, so this New Years feels extra impactful.
On top of the timing factor, I think I may finally have hit a turning point with my health. I slugged through a pretty tough November to find in December that my energy is up, my head is clear, and my poops are solid! I've been branching out my diet and exercise. I have some new tools to minimize symptoms when they occur. I can identify when they are brewing and take measures to prevent them before they happen. Perhaps most importantly, I have cultivated some amazing supports, doctors, and other people who get it.
It's been several years now of decline, but I'm ready for a win.
This year, 2019, is going to be a big one. I can feel it.
I'm going to rest, get off some meds, try a couple new ones out, finish up tests/specialists, add new foods, and rest some more. I'm going to get back into the hobbies I lost the time and energy for, sell some art, and renew my friendships! I'm going to take better care of my house and exercise daily! I'm going to cook, bake, and enjoy my meals! I'm going to read more -- I've had so little energy at the end of the day that I haven't finished many books this year, but I'm stoked to finish Surviving and Thriving with Invisible Chronic Illness, Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution, Born a Crime, Switch, and get going on the new Phillip Pullman trilogy, The Book of Dust.
In short, I'm excited to remember who I am.
I've been so lost in just meeting deadlines, fulfilling student needs, and trying to have a breakthrough in a disease the top specialists don't even understand, that it's been tough to have time for nurturing the person I'm becoming. I want time now to look back at the moments in which I loved myself the most. What was working? Who was I? How would I describe myself, and how did others describe me? What do I want to feed so that it can grow back? But also, I do believe these years of hard work and illness have left me positive additions that I don't want to lose. So I will be reflecting on that as well -- what of this new me do I want to keep? What of it, while necessary at the time, do I not want to carry into this new year?
Despite all of my excitement, I do have some concerns about how this time could go. Taking the time to heal doesn't always mean getting well. So, I've developed ten resolutions to help guide the transition and keep myself moving forward:
Remember who I was and who I want to be.
Try new things -- I've been playing it safe lately, but I am an explorer at heart! I'm going to reopen my Etsy shop and explore sewing microwaveable heating pads to add to my products. I'm going to be volunteering at Vermont Adult Learning and Outright Vermont as a Friday Night Group Leader. I'm going to hike some new mountains.
Don't take on too much -- I felt compelled to remind myself of this after writing the above :-) I need to get better at saying no and not feeling guilty for guarding my spoons. Surviving and Thriving has been helpful here as well.
Listen to my body, but don't obsess! Break rules and take risks when possible! Noticing some early symptoms? Great -- take care of it and move on!
Balance realism and positivity -- this one has been a huge challenge for me. My partner finds it frustrating that, even when I think something will make me sick, I say I can give it a try and end up with disastrous results that impact everyone around me. Then other times I say no too much because I'm afraid of that happening again. It's not a perfect science, but I do want to keep working on the art of knowing realistically what my limits are, but also being optimistic and not dreading what hasn't yet happened. Even when things go south, I want to work on maintaining positivity. Crashes are not forever. I will get back up again. → Note: this one also requires patience from those around me as I figure it out.
Stay structured, keep time "productive" -- I lost my laptop when I lost my job and have found that my life feels much more full when I'm not on email, facebook, google drive, etc all day. I want to continue to limit screen time, and schedule in things like daily housework, exercise and fun! I want to make sure I'm getting a good balance of painting, socializing, health-related self-care, and straight up relaxing in my days.
Rethink the value of productivity -- thanks to a coworker from Europe, I've begun to reevaluate the very American notion of what makes someone a productive family member or member of society. I feel that my value as a person/adult weirdly weakened by not having a job, and I think that's gross. I want to continue exploring other ways of being productive. I need to see the creation of art as productive; caring for others as productive; taking the time to cook and eat in sustainable ways as productive; volunteering in the community; healing so I can be my best self... all of these things should be as important as earning money, as long as we are financially stable. I've got some work to do to undo decades of stigmas taking hold in my mind, but I'm excited!
Budget effectively -- after reflecting on the above, I want to determine my priorities and communicate them well with others. Then I can determine a budget that makes sense for the vision of success that works for me. I want to know each month that I am working towards the financial goals I have set, and that the money I do choose to spend reflects my values and priorities.
Mindfully examine my career -- Surviving and Thriving had some eye-opening thoughts about what your "dream job" might look like, and how that could be different than what you pictured before illness hit. I've always wanted to teach, but it is really rough on my physical (and emotional) well-being. Are there jobs that require less standing? Fewer late night emergencies? The ability to take sick days without working twice as hard the next day? I hope I will come out the other side still wanting to be a teacher, but I do think it's worth broadening my horizons to see what else is out there.
Kindness and authenticity -- at the end of the day, I want each interaction I have with others to add to their day. I want to be kind, if nothing else. Snark or self-deprecating humor isn't worth the limited time I have for friends. Hiding my truth or living in shame aren't worth my time. I want to take pride in who I am, all the awkwardness and pain and beauty, and share it with others with genuine connection.
The more I read Surviving and Thriving, the more I see the theme for 2019 as acceptance without complacence. I need to accept my limitations. I need to explore so I can find my limits. And acceptance also means self-love. I need to weed out the regret and resentment that I feel over what my life looks like. Expel the anger and sense of injustice. I can't live fully if I'm holding onto the vision I had when I was ten years old and just starting to be sick. Happiness often relies on how we measure up to our own expectations. And sometimes that means tweaking the expectations to fit our reality.
But this theme is also about not giving up. I need to accept, love myself despite it all, and change what it looks like to be successful -- but I'm also not going to sit back and feel sorry for myself. Once I've fully embraced myself and shared it authentically with others (and without wincing), I can then scale back and not share my illness in every encounter. I can know my limits well enough to push myself to the dreams that still make sense. I'm not going to use my illness as an excuse for not trying. I'm going to use it as parameters to determine the ways in which I work, love, contribute, and thrive.
When students want me to give up on them because they don't see their own worth, my response is always the same:
I am relentless. I will never give up, because that's not who I am. If you've given up on yourself, I'm so sorry, but I see your value and I believe in you. For me to stop trying is simply not in my nature.
I need to bring that same attitude to myself. I need to be relentless in pursuing my own self-worth.
So here we are, in 2019. So far, I'm off on the right track. I've fostered enough relationships that I was invited to two New Years Eve parties, yet I turned them both down. I knew in my gut that, after weeks of traveling, socializing, holidays, etc, I needed a night of solitude.
But I didn't make excuses -- I honestly told my friends that I wasn't coming because I needed to be alone. I didn't say it with sadness, hesitation, or self-pity. It was a wonderful night -- raining outside, with the views of multiple fireworks from my couch. I was productive; I did some cleaning, some paperwork, and some relaxing. I sat alone in the dark with my cat. I ate small, slow meals and indulged in a cookie before bed at 10:00. I felt so full of life and love that I sent out some texts to let people know what they mean to me. It was with genuine joy that I sent this picture to two of my spoony friends, who shortly thereafter sent me pictures of their own NYE celebrations, also in semi-darkness on their couches.
So far so good, 2019. Let's do this!