I spent spring semester of my junior year of college in Ireland. I studied at the Burren College of Art, a tiny school nestled into the 16th century Newtown Castle in Ballyvaughan, Co. Clare. Clare is the birthplace of countless myths, stories of faeries and banshees and magic. And somehow, there in the gorgeous setting of the Burren, something magical happened.
I stopped feeling sick.
I had felt sick pretty much every day for at least a decade. We didn't have a name or diagnosis yet, and half the time my family, my doctors, and even I didn't fully believe I was truly sick. But I was. Until I went to Ireland.
But when I came back, I slowly fell ill again. Just a few months after my return, I found myself in the hospital with what I thought was a pulmonary embolism, but I now know was a POTS episode. We've spent more time than I'd like to admit sitting around trying to figure out what happened in Ireland to make me so much better. This summer, I went back, just to see what would happen.
The result was a blissful week of close to no symptoms. I'd spent two weeks before the trip unable to keep in food, bedridden, crippled with migraines. Yet all of that evaporated when I got to Ireland. My normal triggers no longer affected me. I ate what I wanted, did what I wanted, even stayed outside in boiling sun for hours with no consequences.
... for about a week. After awhile, it caught up to me. But considering how hard I'd pushed myself while traveling, it still seemed a far cry from what I would've expected.
So, it begs the question -- what about Ireland was so good for me in college? Why was it still good this summer? And why was it not perfect this summer?
I've done a lot of reflecting in the weeks following my trip, and I've come up with a few ideas.
Food
I've certainly determined that diet makes a difference in how I feel, especially for MCAS. I have no doubt that the food I ate in Ireland were part of my magical recovery. My staples at the time, like potatoes, cabbage, chicken, bread, PB, and lettuce are all low-histamine and on my current list of safe foods. Other than that, I ate a lot of beef or lamb stews, and local produce. The thing is, Ireland's food, especially in the small towns like Ballyvaughan, is incredibly local, fresh, often organic, and preservative-/dye-free. There was no grocery store in Ballyvaughan. Instead, there were several farms and a little corner store that sold the local eggs, produce, meat, and breads. Even the restaurants served local food, with labels in their menus about where the ingredients were sourced from and what allergens were included. I'm sure my histamine bucket's baseline was significantly lower than in the US, with all of our pesticides, dyes, preservatives, and produce flown in from half a world away. Another important realization I've had -- in Ireland, I LOVED to cook. It was time spent hanging out, often singing, with my lovely roommate. We'd cook up these crazy recipes we found or made up. We had plenty of time and energy, so eating never felt rushed. I've noticed in recent years how much of a difference it makes to enjoy the act of eating. It makes everything go down smoother.
Weather
Ireland is known for its dreary weather. During my semester abroad, I wore several layers of clothing daily to fight the damp chill. The buildings were not well insulated and didn't have great heat or AC (like in the US where our houses are 70 degrees regardless of the season...), so my temperature stayed pretty constant throughout the day. The sun came out very few days. Most days were "soft" -- the locals' word for a cloudy, damp day, when it's not quite raining, but rather misting. Obviously it also rained a fair amount, but regardless of precipitation, the clouds were a constant.
The days I feel the worst in the US are typically the very coldest days in winter and then summer. I feel pretty bad all summer, every summer. While my joint pain may get worse on frigid days, the POTS and MCAS are exacerbated by heat. The sun, in particular, very quickly sets me off, regardless of the overall temperature.
The trip this summer was during a heat wave and drought. It didn't rain for over two weeks. Last year in Ireland, it rained over 300 days, 65 days in the summer alone! So this was quite exceptional. And so it doesn't surprise me in the least that I felt significantly less well on the hot sunny Irish days than when I lived here under a cloud cover.
Home: belonging, environment, peace
I love my home in Vermont. I grew up here, have great supports here, and think it's one of the most beautiful places in the world. I've done my fair share of traveling and always found myself missing home. Until Ireland. I was surprised by how immediately I felt at home there. The culture was like the best parts of Vermont concentrated -- everyone understood my deep connection to the land and nature. They had a slower pace that fit my natural style; no one rushed me out the door or got mad if I waltzed in a few minutes late. If you missed the bus, you just walked and no one judged you. Ireland also seemed to value introverts more than the US. Living in a tiny village also helped foster the feeling that I was part of a warm, loving community.
The natural environment was also crucial. I believe that being in nature can be very healing. I was constantly surrounded by gorgeous fields, mountains, trees, wildflowers, birds... And because of the slower pace, I had time to actually soak it in. I wasn't rushing past without looking. I could spend hours lying in the grass, listening to cows, walking through moss-blanketed trees, watching birds and petting sheep. Because of the weather, I could be outside for as long as I wanted without getting sick from the sun or heat.
All of this, the pace and environment and sense of belonging helped me to feel deeply at peace. More than this, the people I met in Ireland seemed to truly value peace. They were kind, thoughtful, patient, and gentle. And they had a very real idea of what lack of peace feels like. My professors spoke of the troubles, of their childhoods growing up with bombs and guns, and how it affected them.
Lifestyle
I mentioned above the pace of life in Ireland. On top of that, I was still in school, so didn't have the stress of a job, and I'd decided not to worry too much about grades while abroad. There was so little pressure to excel. I was at an art school, with the understanding that I was not someone already trained at art school, and therefore didn't need to be as good as everyone else. My days started comfortably around 8 with breakfast in my gorgeous thatched cottage with my friend/roommate, and then was expected to be in my very own art studio from 9-5, at which point I had no other responsibilities and could wander through nature or hang out with friends or find a quiet spot by the ocean to read.
In college, I went to the gym regularly to run and lift weights. In Ireland, I practiced lifestyle fitness. I'd often walk the 20+ minutes to school, sometimes taking the long way back, around 35 minutes. We hiked regularly, and often spent our free time walking around. This was enough exercise to keep me healthy while also giving my joints a break and not messing with my gut.
Art
I obviously created quite a bit of art in Ireland. Much of it was more cathartic than my typical landscape paintings. I processed my feelings about my home, created a very tactile and healing piece about sexual assault, and finally came to terms with being a "bird lady," hitting my stride with a series of ink drawings of birds. Everyone has their outlet for what they feel but don't know how to express. For me, art can be an amazing outlet. I had the freedom to paint and draw for hours on end without worrying about other responsibilities.
Self-care
This may be the most important. In the last few months, I've noticed an increase in my overall health and largely attribute it to just listening. I've gotten better at listening to my body -- hearing what it needs and then actually following through. Ireland was the other time in my life when I've actually practiced that kind of listening.
Before I went abroad, I had a terrible summer in the heat of DC and developed several new (and scary) symptoms, followed by a heartbreaking breakup. I decided that I needed to use my time away from everything to heal. I proclaimed that I was going to be "selfish," although I think I meant self-centered or self-aware. I was going to make decisions based on what I needed, not getting hung up on social pressures or my compulsive need to worry about everyone else's needs, or my fear of being inadequately successful.
It worked beautifully! If I felt like being around people, I'd hang out! If not, I'd take some alone time without worrying about how that looked to others. I didn't get the best grades, certainly didn't make many friends, and found out later that I'd hurt some feelings. I felt bad in retrospect, but don't actually regret it. I needed to listen to my own needs for once.
The trip this summer was no different. If I felt like resting, I'd go home to rest. I meditated whenever I felt I needed it. I didn't hold back tears or exuberant joy. If I needed to lie down, I'd lie down without worrying what people around me thought. There was definitely a correlation between the times I wasn't able to accommodate my needs and feeling crappy soon after.
The Bucket
The histamine bucket gets filled by foods, weather, exertion, mood, etc. If it's empty, we don't react to much. But as it fills up, we become much quicker to react to things that didn't set us off the day before. I know some foods I ate in Ireland were triggering, yet didn't cause any problems. I know I pushed myself at times or got upset at times. But the overall bucket was so empty from all of the factors above, that nothing bothered me too much.
This summer, my bucket got pretty well emptied from the thrill of being home in Ireland after so long, and the excitement of traveling. The more time I spent in the sun, more stew I ate and whiskey I drank, and the more I pushed myself to exhaustion, the bucket slowly refilled. About a week in it started spilling in small drips, and by the end was positively overflowing.
So what now? What's my takeaway from all of this? I want to find was to emulate my Irish environment here at home. I've been working hard to find more joy in cooking and food in general. I need to continue listening and finding a healthy balance between my own needs and others'. I want to hike more, yet be careful about overexposure to sun and heat. I've renewed my desire for fresh, local, and organic foods. I need to bring more art and recharging time into my life. And who knows, maybe spending a summer in Ireland every few years wouldn't hurt ;-)